Lesson 1: Taming Your Toddler’s Dysregulation

Photo by: Yuri Shirota on Unsplash

Introduction

Imagine this: You’re in the grocery store, and your toddler suddenly starts wailing in the checkout line. The bright lights, beeping scanners, and crowded aisles have overwhelmed them, and now they’re kicking and screaming on the floor. For a child with developmental delays, sensory overload can quickly escalate into a meltdown. You feel the heat rising in your face as other shoppers glance over, and you’re torn between frustration and embarrassment.

Now, picture a different day. After a birthday party filled with loud music, bright decorations, and energetic kids, your toddler, who has developmental delays, melts down over the smallest things. They cry uncontrollably because their socks feel “too scratchy” or refuse to sit in their chair for dinner. You try to comfort them, but nothing seems to help. In moments like these, overstimulation can make it even harder for a child with developmental delays to regulate their emotions.

Understanding Your Own Self-Regulation

As a parent of a toddler with developmental delays, managing your own emotions is just as important as helping your child learn to regulate theirs. When faced with your toddler’s intense reactions, do you struggle to stay calm in stressful situations? Are there certain moments when controlling your emotions feels especially difficult? Do you feel confident in your ability to teach your toddler how to manage big feelings? Reflecting on these questions can help you better understand your own self-regulation skills and identify areas for growth.

Before exploring the reasons behind emotional dysregulation in toddlers, take this self-assessment quiz to evaluate how you handle challenging moments. Record your score in your journal, along with any thoughts or feelings that come up during the process.

Emotional Dysregulation and Overstimulation in Toddlers

The ability to regulate emotions is an essential life skill that needs to be developed. When someone has trouble controlling their emotions, it is called dysregulation. Toddlers are still learning how to self-regulate, and for those with developmental delays, this process may take longer or look different. If your toddler is having extreme temper tantrums that last for long periods of time and occur frequently, they may be struggling with emotional dysregulation. One of the more common reasons for emotional dysregulation that toddlers face is overstimulation.  

Overstimulation happens when a toddler is “overwhelmed by more experiences, sensations, noise, and activity than they can cope with” (Raising Children Network Board, 2023). When a child is overstimulated, they will show signs that they are overwhelmed. These signs can vary from depending on the toddler, but can present as crying, throwing themselves on the floor, or refusing to do simple tasks such as putting on their seatbelt. (Raising Children Network Board, 2023). These tantrums can be frustrating to parents, especially if they are long and frequent. Parents don’t have to simply endure these tantrums, though. There are tools and techniques that can help parents teach their toddlers how to calm down in these situations. 

While watching the following video, pay attention to how Nina uses deep breaths to help Cookie Monster calm down. Think about how you can apply similar techniques when helping a child through a tantrum?

Strategies for Calm and Self-Regulation

Toddlers can feel strong emotions and may not know how to deal with them yet. When your toddler is overstimulated, it may seem like nothing you do can calm them down.  Even though they may not want to listen to you, it is essential for you to remain calm. Staying calm not only sets a positive example but also allows you to respond to their needs more effectively. A useful acronym to help you remember to remain calm is H.A.L.T., which stands for hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. If you are experiencing one of these states, it may affect your ability to respond calmly to your child. Taking a moment to assess and address your own needs before reacting can make a big difference in how you handle your toddler’s tantrums. When in a situation that requires you to act or make a decision, it is important to pause and assess how you are feeling before proceeding. These emotions often change how you would react in each situation and may hinder your ability to remain calm. Therefore, you should assess yourself before responding to your toddler’s tantrums. 

Additionally, it is important to view your toddler’s tantrums as learning opportunities rather than bad behavior (Rouse & Martinez, 2024). This mindset helps you have a different tone when you are interacting with your toddler in these intense situations. Rather than focusing on punishment, use these moments to guide your child toward appropriate responses. It is important that you talk with them about why this behavior is not acceptable and teach them what an appropriate response to the situation would be. You may step outside of the store while you have this conversation with them but view it as a learning opportunity rather than a punishment. It is also important to remember that having a warm, sensitive, and responsive relationship with your toddler is key to their development of self-regulation (Song et al., 2018). This relationship will increase your toddler’s willingness to internalize rules that will help them develop self-regulation.

Some helpful tips for when your child is overstimulated are to remove the excess noise and activities around your child and to help them put their feelings into words (Raising Children Network Board, 2023). Changing their surroundings can help them feel safe and talking to them about their feelings can help them feel understood. For example, if your toddler is crying and throwing their toys, you can gently say, “I see that you’re feeling really frustrated right now because your tower fell over. That's really hard.” Labeling their emotions helps them feel understood and teaches them how to express their feelings over time.

You can also offer them a calming activity to do as a distraction. Examples of calming activities include reading a favorite book together, listening to soft music, offering a comforting toy or blanket, or engaging in deep breathing exercises (The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), 2018). For more ideas, watch this next video, which provides helpful activities to support your toddler’s self-regulation skills. While not research-based, it offers practical strategies you may find useful. Labeling emotions helps children feel validated and gives them the language they need to express their feelings in the future. Over time, this builds their ability to self-regulate.

To apply these strategies, take a moment to reflect on how you can use them in your own situation. Fill in the following prompts to create a personalized approach to managing tantrums:

• When my toddler is having a meltdown, I will… 

• I can help my toddler calm down by… 

• I will remain calm while my toddler is having a tantrum by… 

• I can make my toddler’s environment less stimulating by… 

  
  

There is no single correct answer—your responses will depend on your unique situation. However, reflecting on the material from this lesson can help you develop effective strategies. Some possible answers include: 

• Remain calm and patient. 

• Offer my toddler a calming activity to do.

• Remove my toddler from the noisy environment. 

• View the tantrum as a teaching opportunity. 

After practicing these techniques, you will begin to understand what your child needs from you when they are feeling overstimulated. 

One of the most effective ways to support an overstimulated toddler is to recognize the early signs before a meltdown escalates. Watching for signals like restlessness, fussiness, or covering their ears allows you to step in before frustration peaks (Carpenter et al., 2020). Simple adjustments- such as reducing noise, offering a quiet space, or modeling deep breathing- can help prevent overstimulation. Teaching simple coping strategies, like using a comfort item or taking breaks, helps them build emotional resilience over time (Kiel et al., 2021). With patience, consistency, and a proactive approach, you can help your child feel more secure and supported as they develop self-regulation skills.

Self-Regulation Assessment Quiz

Self-regulation is the ability to manage emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in different situations. This assessment will help you reflect on how well you regulate your emotions and identify areas for growth (Hamilton et al., 2015). Use a journal to write down your answers and reflections for future review.

Instructions:

Rate yourself on a scale from 1 to 5:

1 = Rarely

2 = Sometimes

3 = Occasionally

4 = Often

5 = Almost Always

Emotional Regulation:

1.   I stay calm when my child is having a tantrum.

2.   I can manage my frustration without raising my voice.

3.   I take deep breaths or pause before reacting in stressful situations.

4.   I recognize when I’m feeling overwhelmed and take steps to calm myself.

5.   I model healthy ways to express emotions in front of my child.

Cognitive Regulation (Thoughts & Mindset):

6.   I can shift my perspective when things don’t go as planned.

7.   I avoid taking my child’s tantrums personally.

8.  I remind myself that my child is still learning and developing.

9.   I can focus on problem-solving instead of reacting emotionally.

10.  I practice self-compassion and avoid harsh self-criticism.

Behavioral Regulation:

11.   I take breaks when I need to reset my emotions.

12.   I engage in activities that help me manage stress (e.g., exercise, hobbies, deep breathing).

13.   I set clear and consistent boundaries with my child without losing my temper.

14.  I avoid reacting impulsively when feeling stressed or frustrated.

15.   I model patience and self-control for my child.

Results:

• 60-75 points: You have strong self-regulation skills! You effectively manage your emotions and set a great example for your child.

• 45-59 points: You regulate well most of the time but may have some areas to improve. Try identifying triggers and practicing calming techniques.

• 30-44 points: You may struggle with self-regulation at times. Consider mindfulness strategies and self-care routines to strengthen your emotional control.

• Below 30 points: Self-regulation might be a challenge for you. Learning coping strategies, seeking support, and practicing mindfulness can help you improve

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Reflection & Next Steps:

Take time to reflect on your responses. Use the following prompts for journaling:

• What did you learn about your self-regulation strengths?

• Which areas do you want to improve?

• What strategies have helped you stay calm and in control?

• What triggers make self-regulation difficult for you?

• What is one small change you can make this week to improve self-regulation?

  
  

Over the next week, focus on one area for improvement. Keep track of your experiences and strategies. When you return next week, be prepared to share what worked, what didn’t, and any insights gained.

Conclusion 

As you reflect on this lesson, remember that you can support your toddler through their emotional challenges. Toddlers have the capacity to learn self-regulation and utilize it even during overstimulation. As a parent, approaching these moments as teaching opportunities rather than just meltdowns can shift the way you respond (Rouse & Martinez, 2024).  Tantrums become chances for growth and opportunities to practice self-regulating skills.  By offering guidance and support, you can help your toddler develop the tools they need to navigate their emotions and self-regulate in overwhelming environments.

As you continue this journey, remember that both you and your toddler are learning and growing together. Patience, understanding, and consistent practice will help both of you develop stronger emotional resilience.

Continue onto the next lesson which will focus on transitioning between activities.

Sources

American Academy of Pediatrics. (2018). How to help children handle strong emotions. Retrieved from https://www.healthychildren.org

Carpenter, K. L. H., Baranek, G.T., Copeland, W. E., Compton, S., Zucker, N., Dawson, G., & Egger, H. L. (2019). Sensory over-responsivity: An early risk factor for anxiety and behavioral challenges in young children. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology. 47(6),1075-1088.   https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-018-0502-y   

Hamilton, V. E., Matthews, J. M., & Crawford, S. B. (2015). Development and preliminary validation of a parenting self-regulation scale: "Me as a Parent." Journal of Child and Family Studies, 24(10), 2853–2864. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-014-0089-z

Kiel, E. J., Price, N. N., & Premo, J. E. (2020). Maternal comforting behavior, toddlers' dysregulated fear, and toddlers' emotion regulatory behaviors. Emotion, 20(5), 793-803. https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/emo0000600

Raising Children Network Board. (2023, October 19). Overstimulation: Babies and children. Raising Children Network. https://raisingchildren.net.au/newborns/behaviour/common-concerns/overstimulation#toddlers-and-preschoolers-dealing-with-overstimulation-nav-title  

Rouse, M. H., & Martinez, A. (2024, November 18). How can we help kids with self-regulation? Child Mind Institute. https://childmind.org/article/can-help-kids-self-regulation/ 

Song, J.-H., Miller, A. L., Leung, C. Y. Y, Lumeng, J. C., & Rosenblum, K. L. (2018). Positive Parenting Moderates the Association between Temperament and Self-Regulation in Low-Income Toddlers. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 27(7), 2354–2364. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-018-1066-8